"People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones"
Post Concussion Syndrome
"When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile"
I feel so hopeless. I should be happy. I’m making progress. In the past few months since I’ve started seeing a traditional chinese medicine specialist and a new chiro, I’ve been slowly feeling a bit better. There have only been 2 other 2 months long periods where I was getting better since I got injured over 3 years ago. The rest of the time I was getting progressively worse & now I’m getting better. I should be happy but I can’t be. I can’t be happy that after a year of taking time off from school I’m still worse than I was when high school ended.
I was happy a week ago when I had a wedding all week/traveled 5 hours in the car & didn’t react nearly as badly as I thought I would. It showed progress. But then I came home and crashed. I went from my highest high in almost a year to a huge low. It’s just so emotionaly draining and lonely.
Last week I was surrounded by family and excitedly telling everyone that I was feeling better. I was thinking about completing the 2 grade 12 classes I need before I apply to university, thinking about being in university atleast part time by Sept. 2015, & thinking about being able to exercise again. But now as I sit here in my room, I’m realizing that I have no idea what’s going to happen in the next year. I don’t know if I’ll be able to complete my 2 courses. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do them in person or if I’ll have to do them online. I don’t know if I’ll be able to volunteer. I have so many ideas, so many areas I want to learn about/help implement change in, but I have no idea if I’ll be able to. I don’t know if I’ll be able to work. I’m 18 & never had a job. I’m thinking I may want to apply to the faculty of business, but I don’t think I will have enough extra-cirriculars to get in. In the past 3 years I have none. That thought is terrifying. All I think about to get me through is how great things will be when I’m “better” and that I just have to be smart about my recovery and patient until I get there. Even if I only get to 50-60%, my quality of life will be way higher than it is now. But what if I don’t get in to business? My grades *should be high enough once I upgrade my 2 courses, I should be able to get into arts or sciences, and it’s not the end of the world, but it’s hard for me to accept that I realisticaly wont be accepted to business. I have this overly perfect view of how amazing things will be once I feel even just a bit better and it really upsets me to think of how unrealistic it acually is. I keep telling everyone that I don’t know what faculty I want to apply to. I even temporarily convinced myself that I don’t want to do business at all, but deep down, I know I do. There has to be a way for me to do this. I could start packing on the volunteer hours starting right now, write a kick-ass entrance essay, & get really good reference letters! But then I realize, I physically can’t. & if I physically could I would already be doing that. I want to be involved in my community, not to get into university, but to do some good. I would already be in university. I would acually be in shape. I’m not sitting on my ass doing nothing for no reason. I just have no choice. It sucks. It seems like I’m doing nothing, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever have just to be okay.
I really don’t have very much control over when I can get back to doing things. It is going to be a slow process. All I can do is make sure that whatever amount of time it is currently set to take me to recover, doesn’t increase. I can’t do anything stupid. I have to stay disciplined. I have to stay mentally and emotionally strong and just gradually increase my activity level. I have to and I will. I just really don’t want to go through another year of this alone. I’m so afraid that I’ll have nothing to show for it this time next year. A year ago, I thought I’d be in university by this Sept. A bunch of setbacks prevented that from happening. So much has gone wrong in my recovery and I really just don’t know why. Even knowing what I know now, I didn’t do anything dumb enough after I got injured to delay my recovery this long. People completly ignore sports concussions and recover faster.
But I can’t think about that right now. I’m finally in a place where I think I can get better, I just don’t know how much more energy I have left. I havent even had any mental health issues throughout this whole thing. Imagine how hard it would be if I did. I never freaked out about not being able to play sports or dance, or my grades dropping, or all the people I’ve lost. I just dealt with it. I’ve been patient and remained calm. & what do I have to show for it? Nothing. I’m worse now than when I got injured. I’ve stayed mentally healthy for this long, I can’t lose it now. I guess if I stop being pessimistic I’ve gained 3 years of new experience (even if spending way too much time in a dark, quiet room doesnt seem like experience) and knowledge about myself, the canadian health care system, concussions, chronic illness & other things I’ve researched lately like politics. I’m not willing to claim that I’m some drastically changed person because of this injury or that I’m a better or stronger person because of it, but it hasn’t been all bad. It’s just so exhausting though.
But I should be happy, I’m making progress.