"People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones"

18

Post Concussion Syndrome

INTJ

"When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile"

Wandering Thoughts

A nice, personal writing pad for your thoughts 'n stuff

  • me: that sounds mean i better add a lol at the end
I wish you fucking missed me. - (via yoursixwordstory)

(via likefireandice)

I am worried my body won’t keep up with my ambitions. - (via reservoircat)

I’m worried that my ambitions will have to change based on what my body can do.

(via concussedperspective)

(Source: mamas-still-doing-it-all, via concussedperspective)

You don’t pass or fail at being a person, dear. - Neil Gaiman, The Ocean at the End of the Lane (via cassiinspirit)

(via tiffanylena)

I feel so hopeless. I should be happy. I’m making progress. In the past few months since I’ve started seeing a traditional chinese medicine specialist and a new chiro, I’ve been slowly feeling a bit better. There have only been 2 other 2 months long periods where I was getting better since I got injured over 3 years ago. The rest of the time I was getting progressively worse & now I’m getting better. I should be happy but I can’t be. I can’t be happy that after a year of taking time off from school I’m still worse than I was when high school ended.

I was happy a week ago when I had a wedding all week/traveled 5 hours in the car & didn’t react nearly as badly as I thought I would. It showed progress. But then I came home and crashed. I went from my highest high in almost a year to a huge low. It’s just so emotionaly draining and lonely.

Last week I was surrounded by family and excitedly telling everyone that I was feeling better. I was thinking about completing the 2 grade 12 classes I need before I apply to university, thinking about being in university atleast part time by Sept. 2015, & thinking about being able to exercise again. But now as I sit here in my room, I’m realizing that I have no idea what’s going to happen in the next year. I don’t know if I’ll be able to complete my 2 courses. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do them in person or if I’ll have to do them online. I don’t know if I’ll be able to volunteer. I have so many ideas, so many areas I want to learn about/help implement change in, but I have no idea if I’ll be able to. I don’t know if I’ll be able to work. I’m 18 & never had a job. I’m thinking I may want to apply to the faculty of business, but I don’t think I will have enough extra-cirriculars to get in. In the past 3 years I have none. That thought is terrifying. All I think about to get me through is how great things will be when I’m “better” and that I just have to be smart about my recovery and patient until I get there. Even if I only get to 50-60%, my quality of life will be way higher than it is now. But what if I don’t get in to business? My grades *should be high enough once I upgrade my 2 courses, I should be able to get into arts or sciences, and it’s not the end of the world, but it’s hard for me to accept that I realisticaly wont be accepted to business. I have this overly perfect view of how amazing things will be once I feel even just a bit better and it really upsets me to think of how unrealistic it acually is. I keep telling everyone that I don’t know what faculty I want to apply to. I even temporarily convinced myself that I don’t want to do business at all, but deep down, I know I do. There has to be a way for me to do this. I could start packing on the volunteer hours starting right now, write a kick-ass entrance essay, & get really good reference letters! But then I realize, I physically can’t. & if I physically could I would already be doing that. I want to be involved in my community, not to get into university, but to do some good. I would already be in university. I would acually be in shape. I’m not sitting on my ass doing nothing for no reason. I just have no choice. It sucks. It seems like I’m doing nothing, when in reality, I’m working harder than I ever have just to be okay.

I really don’t have very much control over when I can get back to doing things. It is going to be a slow process. All I can do is make sure that whatever amount of time it is currently set to take me to recover, doesn’t increase. I can’t do anything stupid. I have to stay disciplined. I have to stay mentally and emotionally strong and just gradually increase my activity level. I have to and I will. I just really don’t want to go through another year of this alone. I’m so afraid that I’ll have nothing to show for it this time next year. A year ago, I thought I’d be in university by this Sept. A bunch of setbacks prevented that from happening. So much has gone wrong in my recovery and I really just don’t know why. Even knowing what I know now, I didn’t do anything dumb enough after I got injured to delay my recovery this long. People completly ignore sports concussions and recover faster.

But I can’t think about that right now. I’m finally in a place where I think I can get better, I just don’t know how much more energy I have left. I havent even had any mental health issues throughout this whole thing. Imagine how hard it would be if I did. I never freaked out about not being able to play sports or dance, or my grades dropping, or all the people I’ve lost. I just dealt with it. I’ve been patient and remained calm. & what do I have to show for it? Nothing. I’m worse now than when I got injured. I’ve stayed mentally healthy for this long, I can’t lose it now. I guess if I stop being pessimistic I’ve gained 3 years of new experience (even if spending way too much time in a dark, quiet room doesnt seem like experience) and knowledge about myself, the canadian health care system, concussions, chronic illness & other things I’ve researched lately like politics. I’m not willing to claim that I’m some drastically changed person because of this injury or that I’m a better or stronger person because of it, but it hasn’t been all bad. It’s just so exhausting though.

But I should be happy, I’m making progress.

chevvybar:

*uses “u” and “you” in the same sentence*

(Source: emaciatinq, via fucking-jeanmarco-feels)

einsteinrosenbridges:

a moment of silence for all the kids on the hogwarts express who wanted to buy something off the trolley but couldn’t because some 11 year old bought literally everything

(via outthecellardoor)